Buzz Driver/Transcript
Karen Pelly: File cabinet is jammed again! You know the drawer glides shut nice and gentle but you always close it like you're King Kong or Godzilla. Davis Quinton: No I don't! If I were King Kong, I'd just shake it and throw it out the window. Or if I were Godzilla, I'd just burn it, or hit it with my tail. Karen: Just be more careful. Davis: Come to think of it, why would either of them even need a filing cabinet...ow! Karen: There, that's better. Oopsy! Wanda Dollard: What's that stuff? Brent Leroy: It's one of those new energy drinks. Wanda: Scamola. Brent: No, it's called "Haywire." Wanda: No, I mean all these energy drinks are a scam. Total hose job, and you fell for it. And look at this crap. Sodium citrate, nositol phosphate, there's no scientific evidence that any of this boosts energy. Brent: Yeah, well there's no scientific evidence behind voodoo either, but go explain zombies. Emma Leroy: There you are. We got tons of stuff to do around here today. Eavestrought needs cleaning, garden needs fertilizing... Oscar Leroy: Sorry, not today. I promised the school board that I'd fill in for the school bus driver. Emma: Why on earth would they pick you? Oscar: Oh, who knows? Fitzy Fitzgerald: The bus driver Clarence is sick. Here's a list of people qualified to take his place. Here's another list of people who aren't qualified at all. Don't go mixing these up. Emma: Well, who am I supposed to get to help me with the garden? Oscar: Not my problem, I got a school bus to drive. Davis: It was a lucky shot. You hit my sciatic nerve. Karen: Your sciatic nerve is in your jaw? Davis: They're all connected, right Brent? Brent: Your jaw and your hip are connected, via the torso. Karen: Somebody took biology in high school. Brent: I took it seven or eight times. What are you guys talking about? Karen: Ah, I don't want to say. It's kinda embarrassing, for Davis. Davis: I'm not embarrassed. Anyone can get knocked out. Mohammed Ali got knocked out. George Chuvalo was knocked out. Brent: Neither of them ever got knocked out. Davis: Oh, well they both knocked out other guys. Tough guys. Karen: I barely touched him and he dropped like a bag of sand. Davis: She used a wrench! Brent: So, I can just knock Davis out whenever I want? This is good to know. Davis: Why would you want to knock me out? Brent: I have my reasons. You're drinking Haywire? I thought you said that was stupid? Wanda: No, I said you were stupid. I said this was fraudulent, but it's tasty. Lacey Burrows: What is that, a sail? Hank Yarbo: No, that is a good idea. No, I'm in the advertising business. Lacey: Oh? Hank: It hit me last night, I should be in the advertising business. Maybe because I was watching a Bewitched marathon on TV. Lacey: Oh, right, 'cause Darrin was in advertising. Hank: No, I just really liked the way they advertised the marathon. So, that why I have this billboard. Well, I'm calling it a "Hankboard", know why? Lacey: Your name's not Bill? Hank: Did I already tell you that? Anyway, you can be my first customer. I'll paint the Ruby on it, drive around... Lacey: And what's that gonna cost me? Hank: 500 bucks. Lacey: I don't think so. Hank: That's my final offer. Going, going... Lacey: Gone. Hank: Going, going... Hank: Hey, Brent. I'm in the advertising business, got a "Hankboard" on the back of my truck. It's like a billboard but my name's not Bill. "Hankboard", it's a...anyways, you should advertise on the back of my truck. Brent: Why, to keep people from going to all the other gas stations in town? Hank: Ah, you're no better than Lacey. I almost had her though, it just came down to price. Brent: Really? Well, you should go hit her up again. Give her a few bucks off. Once people see your sign in action, you'll get more customers. Hank: Hmm. Hey Wanda, you should advertise on my Hankboard. Wanda: Advertise what? Hank: How should I care, just...is your eye twitching? Wanda: No. Brent: Yeah, it is. That's 'cause you're loaded on Haywire. You're all zipped up on the "H." Wanda: It's got nothing to do with this crap. I just haven't been eating enough zinc lately. Just need to eat some more broccoli. Few more pumpkin seeds. Quit gawking at me! Brent: All right, OK. Don't fly into a Haywire rage. Davis: I'm tougher than you think. Karen: Just forget about it, OK? Brent: Two for flinchin'. Davis: Ow. See, still conscious. Brent: Hey, I hear Hank hit you up to advertise on his truck sign. Lacey: Yes, he made me an offer I couldn't comprehend. Brent: Well, see if you can throw the guy a bone somehow. Lacey: Wow, this is a side I haven't seen of you before. Mr. Sensitive. Brent: It's Dr. Sensitive actually. I'm just looking out for my best friend. And yes, that is as sad as it sounds. Bus Driver: When you stop the bus, you deploy the stop sign on the side. That keeps people from passing the bus while students are getting on or off. Oscar: I won't let those punks get away with anything. Not on my watch. Bus Driver: Kids are pretty well behaved. Oscar: Kids are animals, they need discipline! Otherwise it's anarchy like Lord of the Rings. Bus Driver: You mean, Lord of the Flies? Oscar: You bet I do. Davis: You can get a hundred people to punch me in the face... Karen: Oh, I can get more than a hundred. The point is, if word gets out that my partner can't back me up, it puts me in a compromised position. Davis: You think I can't back you up? Karen: Let's just keep this quiet. These things have a way of getting out. Hey, Emma. I knocked out Davis. One little bump, good night Sally. See? Now it's out there. Emma: Karen, leave Davis alone. Come to my place. You can fertilize the garden and clean the eaves in peace. Far away from Karen's hurtful teasing. Davis: Ah, I'm good with the teasing. Emma: I thought someone with your delicate constitution would be better suited to working around the house. Davis: No, thanks for sticking up for me though. Emma: Someone has to, glass-jaw. Wanda: Hey Brent, whatcha doing? Brent: Who just tosses chewed gum on the floor? Wanda: Yeah, people can be pigs sometimes, that's for sure. Tossing their crap all over the place. Pigs, piggy-people, pigs. Brent: How many of those Haywire drinks have you had? Wanda: Oh, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, why am I counting again? Oh, let me do that! Brent: Oh-kay. Hank: Just got it finished. Paint's a little wet but, what do you think? Lacey: I don't know, Hankboard Advertising seems a little small. Hank: Please Lacey, make me an offer, I'll take anything you got, anything. Lacey: OK, I'll give you $20. Hank: What? That's insulting, that's a slap in the face! Lacey: No, it isn't. I could give you an actual slap in the face and show you the difference. Hank: Twenty's good. Oscar: All right, listen up. Your regular driver Clarence, has gone home sick. I don't know what you psychos did to him but they called in the cavalry. That's right, there's a new sheriff in town and his name is "yes, sir!" And he doesn't put up with any of your punk shenanigans! Main Student: Um, excuse me Mr. Sir, but could you tell us what a shenanigan is so we can avoid that? Oscar: Funny you should ask. 'Cause that's a shenanigan! Put your nose against the window. Main Student: Pardon me? Oscar: Window. Nose. Now. Second Student: I'm confused, is he the cavalry or the sheriff? Oscar: I said I asked the questions! Nose to the window. Davis: Hey, it's busy. Lacey: Yeah, it's a good day. Davis: Guess Hank's billboard's working? Lacey: I wouldn't go that far. I just gave him some money to shut him up. Davis: His marketing style is a little aggressive. Hank: Eat at the Ruby! Eat at the Ruby! Davis: We got a lot of complaints. Lacey: Talk to Hank. Davis: Oh, you hired him, I need you to take care of this. Lacey: Or what, you'll collapse in a heap? Karen: Hey, Lacey. Any ticket we give to Hank we're giving two to you, OK? So, why don't you take care of this? Lacey: Oh, sure Karen. It won't happen again. Emma: Brent, would you be able to...is Wanda inside the cooler? Brent: Yeah, she's cleaning it. She's got a bunch of excess energy 'cause she's all jacked up on Haywire. Wanda: No, I'm not! Brent: Hmm, gave her super hearing too. So, what's up? Emma: Well, I was wondering if you'd come by the house and help me with some chores. I'll make you a nice four-cheese lasagna. Brent: Oh, geez, this is tough. My gluttony is fighting with my sloth. Brent (gluttony): C'mon, free food, four kinds of cheese, let's go! Brent (sloth): Let's just stay here. There's hot dogs right next door. Brent: I'm just gonna stay here, there's hot dogs right...I mean, I have a lot of work to do. I'm going to go next door now, for work. Emma: Wanda? Wanda? Wanda: Hi, Emma. Just doing a little re-shingling on my coffee break. Are you looking for Brent 'cause I haven't seen him around in a while. Emma: Perfect. Wanda, I want you to come and work at my place. Wanda: Sure, sounds like a lot of fun. Emma: How did you...never mind. Go wait in the car, I'll be right there. Wanda: Sure, take your time. Can I listen to the radio? Actually, never mind, I'm just gonna jog over. See you over there. Emma: Ah, ha, ha. Hank: Eat at the Ruby! Oscar: Eat at the what? All right, let's have it! Main Student: Have what? Oscar: The booze. Second Student: What's booze? Main Student: The stuff they warned us about in church group. Oscar: Ah, don't give me the old church mouse and book worm routine. I've seen them all before. Main Student: Honest, Mr. Leroy, we don't have any liquor or anything bad. Oscar: Fine, then I'll just take this. Main Student: That's my homework. Oscar: Then do it at home! No reading on the bus. Second Student: God loves you. Oscar: Damn right he does! Hank: Hey, lots of people. Guess you got the Hankboard to thank. Lacey: I admit, there may be some coincidental benefit, but you can't just drive around like some lunatic. Not with my business in huge letters. Well, moderately sized letters, emblazoned across your truck. Hank: People can't read what they can't see. I make them see my truck. Lacey: Hank, you're making people mad at me. Hank: Place is packed! Trust me, this is what I do for a living. Lacey: Yes, since 10am. Hank: You run your business your way, I'll run my business my way. Lacey: You have any advice now, Dr. Sensitive? Brent: Actually, yes. Lacey: Hank Yarbo is an independent contractor and the Ruby Cafe is not liable for his actions. Brent: Well yeah, that is the idea, but it might be a little wordy. Davis: Where were you? Karen: Oh, I just went for a run. You know, through some back yards, over some fences. Davis: Were you chasing a suspect? Karen: No! Davis: You were doing police work on your own because you think I can't back you up. Karen: You let Lacey push you around. Lacey. Davis: I was getting ready to make my next move before you stepped in. Karen: And what was your move gonna be? Davis: I don't know. Iron bar, stick to the knees, whatever it took. Brent: Hey, Wanda. When you're done in the cooler, you can do the floors in the bathroom. You know, if you're still not being affected by your energy drink. Wanda? Wanda: Hey, that's a nice ladder, is that aluminum? 'Cause it probably is 'cause there aren't that many metals that are this strong and this light. Nobody uses wood anymore. Hey, that's a nice shirt. Emma: Yeah, well, the eavestrough is, uh... Oscar: This title's misleading. Are they gonna kill a mockingbird or not? Quit your honking! When I'm stopped, you're stopped! I don't make the rules. Hank: Eat at the Ruby! Lacey: Hank is not my fault! Emma: You're a good digger. Well, keep at it, I'll be inside. Brent: Yo, zippy. Time to get back to your job. Wanda: It's nice Brent, I like working outside. The sun is shining and the birds are singing and the sky is bleeding and the grass is screaming. I want to stay here. Brent: OK, well, I guess I'll just go back to Corner Gas. You know, the place that's full of Haywire. Wanda: This is nice in here. You spilled some toothpicks, 234, I counted them. Let's go. C'mon! Oscar: Could use some pictures too. Main Student: Mr. Leroy, you can't just stayed parked out here all day. We have to get home. Oscar: Who's driving this bus? Main Student: No one right now. Oscar: Oh, smart mouth, nose to the window! Main Student: If you don't get us home right now, I'm going to write a stern letter. We will all write stern letters. Oscar: Oh, really? Well, how you gonna write letters if I confiscate your pens? Everyone, hand over your pens and pencils right now, New rule, no writing on the bus. Main Student: He can take our pens but he can't crush our spirits! Oscar: Spirits? I knew you had booze! Main Student: We don't have any booze! Enough is enough! Oscar: Sit down! I'll give you your pens back! Holy hell! Karen (phone): DRPD. I'll be right there. Davis: You'll be right where? Where will you be? Karen: Oh, just taking care of, you know, some personal stuff, with my cousin, who's in town for some family things. Where's the riot gear? Davis: In the trunk. But this better not be a call. Brent: You can't let Mom manipulate you like that. She's taking advantage of your condition. Hey, could you clean the bathrooms? Wanda: Feeling a little wiped. Brent: Oh, oh, you're crashing! I saw this on "Mod Squad." Don't go to sleep! Wanda: Just resting my eyes. Brent: Stay with me. Oop! Hank: Eat at the Ruby! Lacey: He's not my fault! Hank: Eat at the Ruby! Lacey: He's not my fault! Hank: Eat at the Ruby! Oscar: Karen, thank God! Get out your gun. Did you bring your pepper spray stuff? Karen: What happened here? Oscar: How am I supposed to know? I was just driving the bus. Karen: Wow, this is surprising. Normally these kids are really well behaved. That one's in a church group. Oscar: Well, they've all gone nuts. It's like "Lord of the Dance" in here. Karen: Everybody take your seats! I'm Officer Pelly. Davis: Ah-ha! I knew this was police business. Karen: Davis, I can take care of this. Why don't you just go back to the station and do... Main Student: Oopsy. Lacey: OK, I give up. I can't chase you around all day. I wanna get back to the Ruby and get something to eat. Hank: There's the power of advertising right there. I mean, you can sell any kind of crap with a well-placed ad. Announcer: Season 4 of Corner Gas, now available on DVD. Lacey: OK. Look, I just want you to stop driving around, OK? I got my money's worth. Hank: Fine. Hey, want me to advertise I'm not advertising anymore? Lacey: No. Brent: OK, c'mon, you're gonna be all right. Just relax, here we go. You have a seat right here and I'll get you a can of Haywire. Damn! Well played, Mother. Emma (phone): I want Wanda back. Brent (phone): Well, of course you do, she's uh, a human dynamo. Kay, maybe we can still make a deal. Karen: Did the kids settle down? Davis: Oh, yeah. Once they realized they knocked out a police officer, they all started crying and praying. Good kids. Karen: You must be loving this. Davis: I take no satisfaction. I simply wanted you to understand that anyone can get knocked out. There's not anyone... Oscar: Oopsy! Emma: Here it is, still warm. Brent: Mmm, mmm, four cheese lasagna. Emma: Actually, it's five. Brent: Holy crud. You didn't just use one of the cheese twice, did you? Emma: No, five different cheeses. Now, where's Wanda? Brent: Oh, she's in the yard already, you know, just flat out. OK, see ya. Emma: That sneaky...don't worry Wanda, I have a little surprise for ya in the fridge. Oscar: Oh, I needed that. Whatever it was. Brent: That's ten dollars worth. Lacey: Thanks. Hank: Man, fill 'er up again. A guy sure can burn up a lot of gas driving around town all day. Lacey: Tell me about it, I was only out there for an hour and I spent ten dollars on...wait a minute. Brent: Yep, what can you do, crazy world, crazy times. Nice weather though. Lacey: You set this whole thing up. Admit it. Brent: I'm not admitting anything and you can't make me. Lacey: Mmm. Brent: Ow! All right, don't flick me. Fine, I set it up, and it was brilliant. Hank: I almost had her though, it just came down to price. Brent: Really? Brent: When I heard Hank almost had you on board his crazy scheme, I saw the potential immediately. I sent everybody I could over to your place. And you kept Hank's truck rolling all day long. Ka-ching, ka-ching, ka-ching. I even had you driving around telling him he wasn't responsible for him driving around. Lacey: Hank is not my fault! Brent: All in all, it meant mucho de mayo for the evil genius, me. Lacey: De mayo means "May", genius. And for the record, I paid Hank $20 and you $10 and with all the extra traffic, I came out with a profit of over $400. Which means, mucho dinero for me. Hank: De Niro's an actor, genius. And you're both overlooking one little thing. I drove around town all day and made twenty bucks. "Eat at the Ruby!" And all I had to do was pay Brent, pay Brent, pay Brent, pay Brent. Wait, ah man, that didn't work out that well for me at all. What a rip! Oh well, let's all go the Ruby and get something to eat. Damn, still works! Oscar: Neat and tidy, that's the way to do it. Keep the shelves stocked at the front, that's how I used to do it, and that's how you should do it. Brent (phone): Please take him back. Don't you have chores he can do at home? Emma (phone): Nope, he's finished them all. He's yours for as long as a can of that stuff lasts. Emma: I feel like I'm forgetting something. Wanda: Just a couple more minutes. Category:Transcripts